Thoughts.Mosaic

How to Fake Being a Wine Expert?

Wine
947 words

Part 1. Look, Smell, Taste

  • Look: Is it translucent like a gemstone, or deep like ink? (Skin thickness of the grape variety)
  • Smell: Don’t swirl the glass; smell it first (static aroma); swirl it and smell again (released aroma). Look for any familiar fruit scents?
  • Taste: Swallow it.
    • Do the sides of your tongue salivate? (Acidity)
    • Do your gums feel dry? (Tannin)
    • Does it feel like drinking whole milk or water in your mouth? (Body)

Part 2. Deconstructing a Sip

  • Tannin: After drinking, do your gums and tongue coating feel dry and astringent? Like drinking strong tea. Tannins support the aging potential and structural sense of red wine.
  • Acidity: After drinking, do the sides of your tongue salivate crazily? The more saliva, the higher the acidity. Acidity makes the wine lively and not cloying.
  • Body: The weight of the liquid in the mouth. Is it like drinking water (light body), skim milk (medium body), or whole milk (full body)?
  • Aroma: Are there familiar fruit scents? Is it fresh strawberry or stewed black plum?

Part 3. About Grapes

If you can’t remember the characteristics of the varieties, try personifying them first.

  • Cabernet Sauvignon: The CEO in a Suit
    • Characteristics: Thick skin, heavy tannin, strong aging potential. Serious, orthodox, stern.
  • Merlot: The Gentle Girl/Guy Next Door
    • Characteristics: Fleshy, thin skin, supple tannin. Round and juicy, a crowd-pleaser, hated by no one.
  • Pinot Noir: Lin Daiyu (The Fragile Beauty)
    • Characteristics: Extremely high-maintenance, very thin skin. Fears both cold and heat, prone to illness. But when brewed well, it is peerless in elegance and grace.
  • Riesling: The STEM Scholar with Glasses
    • Characteristics: Extremely high acidity, precise like a scalpel. After aging, it develops a unique “petrol note,” which is actually a symbol of high quality.

Part 4. Styles and Variables

1. Old World vs. New World

  • Old World: Mainly Europe (France, Italy, Spain)
    • Style: Fallen aristocracy. Emphasizes “Terroir,” “Restraint,” and “Food Pairing.” Labels often list the region (e.g., Bordeaux); you have to understand it, it doesn’t cater to you.
  • New World: USA, Australia, Chile, etc.
    • Style: California sunshine boy. Emphasizes “Technology,” “Fruitiness,” and “Boldness.” Gives you a big hug right away (intense fruit flavor). Labels often list the variety (e.g., Cabernet Sauvignon).

2. Sky, Earth, Human

  • Sky (Climate):
    • Hot: High alcohol, low acidity, ripe fruit flavor (like jam).
    • Cold: High acidity, crisp (like fresh berries).
  • Earth (Soil): Barren land actually produces good wine. Vines need to struggle to take root in order to produce fruit with concentrated flavor.
  • Human (Winemaking): Oak barrels are the “filters” added to wine. It brings flavors of vanilla, toast, and cream.

Part 5. Cold Facts about “Drinking”

  • Why do we clink glasses?
    • Legend Version: To prevent poisoning in the Middle Ages, clinking vigorously splashed liquid into each other’s cups, “if we die, we die together.”
    • Sensory Version: Vision (color), Smell (aroma), Taste (flavor), Touch (holding the glass) are all involved, only Hearing has nothing to do. Clinking makes a sound, completing the five senses.
  • “Drink at Room Temperature” is a Trap:
    • The “room temperature” in old books refers to the room temperature of medieval European castles (about 15-18°C).
    • Modern interiors are easily 25°C; drinking red wine feels like drinking “hot soup,” and the alcohol sensation is rushing. Red wine usually tastes better slightly chilled (20 minutes in the fridge).
  • Wine Legs = Good Wine?
    • Wrong. Wine legs only indicate two things: high alcohol content, or high sugar content. It has nothing to do with quality.
  • The Deeper the Punt (Bottom Indentation), the Better?
    • Absolutely not. The punt was originally for bottle blowing stability and collecting sediment in old wines. Now many cheap wines purposely make deep punts to appear “high-end,” actually just increasing bottle weight and shipping costs.
  • Sulfites are Not Poison:
    • It is an antioxidant and preservative. Without it, you’d be drinking grape vinegar. A bag of candied fruit likely contains several times more sulfites than a bottle of red wine.

Part 6. Advanced Learning To-Do

1. Book Recommendations (Bibliotherapy)

Beginner Essentials:

  • “Wine Folly: The Essential Guide to Wine” (Madeline Puckette): Also known as the Magnum Edition. First choice for beginners. Extremely visual, with lots of charts, maps, and flavor wheels, as easy as reading a picture book.
  • “The New Wine Rules” (Jon Bonné): Helps you eliminate the “reverence” for wine, breaking knowledge down into simple basics, perfect for socially anxious beginners.
  • “Wine Simple”: Simple and easy to understand, suitable as a coffee table book to flip through anytime.

Systematic Learning:

  • “Kevin Zraly Windows on the World Complete Wine Course”: Classic introductory textbook, helps you build a solid knowledge framework; once read, learning others is easy.
  • “The Wine Bible” (Karen MacNeil): Very comprehensive, covering regional history and top producers, suitable for those wanting to dive deep into details.
  • “The World Atlas of Wine”: Not just a book, but an atlas. Suitable for readers interested in geography and terroir.

Fun/Narrative (Bedtime Reading):

  • “Cork Dork” (Bianca Bosker): Tells the story of a journalist trying to infiltrate the sommelier circle, profound and interesting, revealing the “insider info” of sommeliers.
  • “Adventures on the Wine Route” (Kermit Lynch): Classic road-trip style wine book, relaxed and fun.
  • “Godforsaken Grapes”: If you are interested in those obscure, strange, forgotten grape varieties, read this.

2. Podcasts & Websites

  • Podcast: “Wine for Normal People”. Rated as more accessible than the book of the same name, trustworthy information, perfect for beginners to train their ears.
  • Site/Social: Wine Folly. Besides the books, their website and Instagram are also the best sources for fragmented learning.

3. Unorthodox Training Methods

  • Fruit Comparison Method: Buy blueberries, blackberries, and plums to eat, remember the taste, then drink water to rinse, and then drink red wine. This is the fastest way to train the brain to connect “label descriptions” with “real taste.”
  • From Sweet to Dry: Can’t stand the bitterness of dry red? Start with Roscato, Brachetto, or Californian Zinfandel and transition slowly.
  • Don’t Buy New Books: For massive tomes like the “Oxford Companion to Wine,” buy used or old editions. The money saved is better spent on a good bottle of wine to drink into your belly.